Suffocating

I seriously feel like I can't breathe. Physically, I'm fine. My anxiety is through the roof and I'm depressed. I feel like everything just sucks right. It's 2:22 am and I can't sleep because of how awful I feel. I just hope that school turns out to be good for me. Give me a chance to get out and just be me instead of being so-and-so's mom or Travis's wife. Maybe I can start to feel human. I guess I'm just rambling right now. Life is just extra shitty right now.

Midnight Sun

So, as if I weren't not busy enough, I decided to take on a project. Going along with my Twilight obsession, I have decided to write the rest of Midnight Sun. Unofficially, of course. I already wrote the first chapter. I don't even know if I'll be able to put it online when it's finished. I don't want to get into any kind of legal trouble. That would be the last thing I would need right now! Anyway, I got frustrated because it stops right before it gets really good.

In other news, our van is in bad shape. They estimate it's going to cost about $2200 to fix it. And who knows if something else needs to be fixed. It's due for inspection next month so maybe we'll get a grand total before we decide what to do. It sucks being down to 1 vehicle that doesn't even fit our whole family.

Other than that, everything is the same. Kids are off for winter break so it's lots of fun. I just hope some shred of my sanity survives this break. We still have 9 days before they're back in school.

Tomorrow is Christmas so at least tomorrow should be a good day. I'm fairly certain everyone will love their gifts!

SCREAM

I seriously just want to scream at the top of my lungs at the universe. Can there not be even 1 good thing in my life?
Monday was likely the most shittastic day in a long time. The lawyer my husband met with said he wouldn't take his case and it was seeming like pretty much all hope was lost. That in itself was lost. Then out of the blue, our van decides that it's time to stop working. Seriously, running perfectly the day before and then BAM, I think I'll turn this here radiator fluid into sludge and then just overheat the shit out of this engine. Wee! Isn't this so fun?! HELL NO! Oh yeah, this was also Travis's 31st birthday. Happy birthday honey. You get treated by shit even more by Karlina, this lawyer won't take your case and your main mode of transportation decides to have a tantrum like our 3 year old. Best birthday ever, right?
Also, 2 weeks ago, all 9 of us were sick with a stomach bug. It was hell. I don't think I've ever seen so much vomit in my life. It was like a horror movie. Finally I think we can get back to being healthy but the universe seems to have other ideas. Oh, you guys are all better now? Here, how about you take this flu/cold and be miserable with that. I'm sure I can throw something else at you guys when you recover from that one. You're welcome.
And then I get to hear that an embroidery machine is more fun than me. Okay, technically, it wasn't said that way but that's the way it went down. Awesome! I just love that my self esteem obviously isn't low enough right now.
So yeah, I just feel like screaming so loud right now. I can't even have this 1 small thing of screaming really loud because it would only wake all my kids up and make everything more miserable than it already is. So instead of screaming, I just have been crying. I don't know when life is actually going to be good again. I realize that this is all very depressing but that's just kind of the way everything is right now.
What I want is for my husband to succeed in business despite Karlina's efforts to make him not. You know, so we can have important things like a roof over our heads and food to eat. I mean, it hasn't gotten to that point yet but I'm still waiting for that bomb to drop. I want us to all be healthy and stay healthy and I want to not have to be scared to send my kids to school later today. I want a hot guy to hit on me so I don't feel like an unattractive blob. I'd also like to win the lottery but I've only bought a ticket once so I don't think my odds of that are very likely. And since I can't have all these things, I just want to scream as loud as I possibly can. Maybe I'll feel better after some sleep but I kind of doubt it. Tomorrow will just bring more misery, more things I can't stand. Yay.

Twilight vs Real Life

Okay, so it's kind of a silly title, I full admit that. I started reading through the Twilight books again because it was a few years, the movies are all finished and it was a little sad for me. Plus, the books are so much more awesome than the movies. Call me a dork or a Twihard, I don't care. The books are simply amazing! The movies are good, I guess but the books just really explain so much more and you can really understand why the characters feel the way they do. The movie just feels so rushed.
So anyway, like I said, reading through the books again. I was toward the end of Eclipse. Reading through the books super fast because they are really good and they make me happy. They also make me sad, too. It's always been that way. I never could put my finger on it.
Last night, being alone again, it hit me... I was Bella. Not quite exactly. I was a lot more outgoing than she is in the books and actually enjoyed being with friends and my then-boyfriend wasn't a vampire. But there I was, in high school and I (re)met this amazing guy. I already knew him but we weren't really friends until that year. He was really cool, so funny and I genuinely just could talk to him for hours. I asked him to the homecoming dance, just as friends, because my boyfriend at the time was grounded. So we were friends. I invited him to my birthday party in March and that's when things really took off. From that night on, he became my best friend. He told me he loved me, too. In May, after spending so much time with him, I realized that I loved him, too. I broke up with my old boyfriend and started dating him.
Everything was perfect. I hate to compare it to a fictional relationship because it was so much more than that but it was a lot like Bella and Edward. He was my life and I was his. We were 2 halves of one whole. Always touching in some way, wanting to be with each other constantly, I'm sure he would have even broken into my bedroom to watch me sleep if he'd been able. I found my soul mate. He proposed to me in October and, unlike Bella, I didn't hesitate to say yes. We were married in June and we were so excited to start a family.
Fast forward to today and things are so different. We've had quite a few disagreements about how uninterested he seems in me. The time we spend together is always doing something like reading or watching tv. We don't really just sit and talk. He pretty much never touches me unless I initiate some kind of touch. I try to but it's really hard to always be the only interested. I don't want to get too personal in this blog, but he might just be the least interested in sex man out there. It's kind of depressing. I get it... life is stressful, we're in the process of raising all these kids, and we're both just flat out tired. But if I can find the energy, then why can't he? I feel worthless, wondering what happened to us. I know he's faithful and if I straight out ask him if he's attracted to me or even likes me, he says that he does. It's just hard to believe when his actions state otherwise.
So it makes me happy because it's a great love story and I can relate to the feelings in the book. But it makes me sad because I'm not Bella any more. Or maybe my husband isn't Edward any more is a better way to put it. I haven't been able to read much since I had this realization last night. He's once again in bed early for the night and normally I would just pick up my book and read but now I don't know if I can. I've been neglecting the cleaning with all the time I've been spending reading so maybe I'll just work on that. All the time fantasizing that my "Edward" will come back. Maybe it's like in New Moon when he leaves and Bella is just devastated that he's gone. Maybe that's where we're at. I know it seems silly to compare my life to what is considered by a lot to be a young adult book about vampires and werewolves, but it is what it is.

What's to come

So since my husband's business partner is totally screwing us over right now because he's an evil, selfish fucktard, and we have nothing to fall back on, we're trying to figure some things out. My husband has applied for some other jobs but we haven't heard anything back from them. I'm hoping to go to college (sooner than expected) next semester and also hoping that our "low income" puts us in the category to qualify for financial aid. I'm hoping we can get loans to cover the rest of the expense. It will take a while for this to pay off. I have 2 years of school before I can get a job doing what I will be going to school. I guess we'll also see what kind of other assistance we can get. I assume that if we're not making anything, we'll qualify for a lot. The main thing is to keep a roof over my kids, keep them warm and fed. I'm just trying to think positively but that's very hard when it seems the future looks very, very bleak. I wish I had the same faith in god or a higher being that my husband has but I certainly don't. I don't even know how one can believe in such a thing after being continually screwed, especially by people who call themselves christians. What a fucking joke.
So hopefully my husband can find something to keep us afloat for the next couple of years while I work very hard at getting my degree. I will be making decent money then and hopefully then we'll be able to crawl out of this pit we've sunk into. Everything pretty much just sucks right now. I am crying a lot but trying to put on my happy face around other people. The truth is that I'm really not okay. I wish I could go back to 2 years ago and tell my husband not to have any contact with Karlina Diffenasshat (my new nickname for the fucktard screwing over our entire family) because he's an evil person who will try to take everything from him. But I can't, so I just cry and worry.

Venting

I'm sure my facebook friends are sick of reading about this so I'll just share here for my own sake of mind. I'm so pissed that I can hardly see straight. I'm so sick of "Christians" being not at all what they're supposedly all about. Love, kindness, all that shit. I'm so sick of this stupid fucktard trying to totally screw our family over. I HATE these people so much. And their kids certainly deserve better than those 2 asshats. Never have I been so angry in my whole life.

Another "You look too young to..." story

I meant to share this story before but I'm just getting around to it today. I know I look younger than I am. I've gotten countless comments from strangers about it. I also know that I was pretty young when we had Brett. But the story revolves around the play that Brett was in. I took him to tryouts in March and had been driving him to and from rehearsals for 2.5 months. On the last day of the play, my mom came to watch it. After it was over, Krysta and I were sitting with my mom and talking to Brett. One of the directors came over and started talking to my mom. The conversation went like this:

Director: "Your husband isn't here?"
My mom (probably confused): "No, he decided to stay home."
Director: "Oh, he was at the one earlier today, though."
My mom (now I'm confused): "No, he wasn't."
Me, finally figuring out what's going on: "No, that was my husband. I'm Brett's mom."
Director: "Oh, you don't look old enough to be his mom."
Me: "Thanks!"

I used to take offense to it but now I just take it as a compliment. I figure when I'm older and still look young, it'll be awesome! Probably my favorite comment was when Brett was in first grade and in boy scouts. One of the boys in his troop, when he found out I was Brett's mom, said, "You don't look like a mom." I laughed and told him thanks. I guess everyone just thinks I'm his older sister or something. But at least adults should know that some people have babies when they're teenagers and some of those teenagers, gasp, act like adults and are responsible and take care of those babies.
So yeah, I'm sure it'll continue happening for a good long time. When I'm eventually a grandma (better not be for at the very least 10 more years!), I'm sure I'll get "You don't look old enough to have grandkids" and whatnot. And that's just fine by me. I'll be the cool, young grandma. :)

Mother's Day

What did I want for Mother's Day? Expensive jewelry? A spa certificate? Flowers? Candy? None of the above. I wanted 2 things for Mother's Day and neither of them cost anything. I wanted to sleep in. Did I get that? No. We had to do the baby dedication on Sunday morning because I guess we were the only people who signed up for Saturday night. That's a whole other rant by itself but I'll spare you. So, we had to leave by 7:45 which sucked big time. I was hoping my husband could get the kids mostly ready by himself and just get me up at 7:30 so I could get myself ready to go. But apparently, he doesn't know how to get people dressed. Wonderful for me. So I was thinking that if I got up at 7:15 and we really hurried, we could get ready in time. So then I was just hoping to sleep until 7:15, hoping that my husband would get up with everyone else. And, of course, that means he didn't. I was up from the time that the first kid woke up, which was 6:36. So much for that. And we still got out the door late.
The other thing I wanted was help with cleaning. Now, it's true that we were out of the house for a huge chunk of the day. So I asked him today if I could get help with cleaning. His answer was a crappy attitude and an "I don't know" answer, which really means "I'm not going to say no but I'm not going to help you."
So much for Mother's Day. And I'm done with pampering my husband on Father's Day. What's the point anyway? I'm tired of giving and giving and never getting a thing back. It's exhausting. I'm actually considering going on strike.

Long time, no see, again

Well, what has happened since my last post? I got pregnant again for the final time in June 2011. In July, we found out that it was twins which was a huge shock to me. They came at 35 weeks on February 12, 2012 due to me developing pre-eclampsia. Serena was born first at 4:16 pm weighing 5 lbs, 7 oz and Seth came at 4:19 pm, weighing 6 lbs, 10 oz. Seth spent 15 days in the NICU due to breathing problems. Serena had no problems being born early and came home with me at 4 days old. It was my first c-section and definitely a strange experience.
On Tuesday, my oldest daughter was carrying her around and slipped on a school paper and fell. Serena landed on her head. It swelled up pretty bad and she screamed for about 5 minutes and then fell asleep, even though she had just woken up. My husband took her to the ER. When my MIL got home from work, she watched the other kids so I could be with them at the hospital. She was then transferred to Hershey overnight for observation. She is fine but she does have a small skull fracture. I think it's pretty amazing that with 7 kids, my oldest being almost 11, this is the first broken bone we've had.
Our church sent over balloons this morning for Serena. Travis and I were upstairs with the babies and the other 3 kids that were home were downstairs. I knew when I heard the doorbell that the door would be open before I got down there. My kids are always so excited when someone comes to the door. However, I was shocked and embarrassed when I saw that Asher was in shorts and no shirt, Jordan was only in a diaper and Rayne was completely naked. All of them standing there to great the delivery guy. I apologized and he seemed to think it was funny so I can only hope that he has kids and understands.
So it's been a long couple of days here. I'm exhausted and way behind on housework. 4 of my kids are napping so I really should be doing something more productive than wasting time on the computer. I think I'm going to come up with a new plan for chores for my kids. Our current system isn't working.

Motivation... where are you?

I can not seem to get my butt out of bed to go running. I have not run since Friday. At this point, I feel like I should just start over. I tried getting Travis to make me get up and do it but he didn't. Maybe I just need to switch to evenings. I am not a morning person at all. All I can think about in the mornings is how I still want to be sleeping.
But I seemed to find motivation to clean my house which is odd for me. I despise cleaning and try to avoid it if at all possible. My kitchen looks pretty good and today I plan on sweeping and mopping the kitchen and hall way. I swept and mopped the play room yesterday. It's a good thing too since we're having my brother and his wife over for dinner tomorrow night.

*yawn*

We went to bed late last night, mainly because I wasn't ready for the weekend to be over. Here is how my night went:

12:30- head to bed
1:30- Jordan wakes up SCREAMING. Travis tried to get him to go back to bed on his own but it was a no go so he laid with him.
4:00- Rayne wakes up so I go in to feed her.
4:30- Back to bed for me
6:20- Alarm goes off. Thankfully Travis was already up so he got up with the kids to get them ready for school
6:50- Travis comes to wake me up and ask if I know where Krysta's other sandal is. I don't.
7:00- Rayne starts waking up. I get up to go take care of her but she stops making noise so I lay back down and go to sleep.
7:40- Jordan comes up and starts knocking on the bedroom door. I take him back downstairs to Travis who is trying to get some sleep on the couch while the boys watch TV.
8:10- Rayne is up to eat again so I go in with her.
8:30- Up for the day.

That was a long night. And I'm still sick with this stupid cold. And then I got a bloody nose. And I skipped my run this morning because I was feeling pretty lousy. I guess I will just have to go out tomorrow morning instead. I really dislike Mondays.

Banana bread anyone?

A week ago, Travis went to the farmer's market and bought a whole bunch of bananas. Now they are all brown. The plan was to make banana bread so I have 2 loaves baking, dough for 2 more loaves waiting to go in plus at least 6 more overripe bananas. I'm thinking I might make some banana muffins as well. The crazy thing is that I don't even like bananas or banana bread. I think I'm going to have to freeze a bunch or give it away.
In other news, I went for the 2nd workout of the c25k plan. It was harder today because my shins are still hurting from the run on Wednesday and I seem to have come down with a cold as well. Another thing I discovered is that running makes my hip joints hurt the next day so I'm fully expecting to not really even be able to walk tomorrow. I will do the 3rd run on Monday and then I'll move on to week 2 where it gets harder. I'm also trying to encourage Travis to start as well. We'll see if he actually does.

Couch to 5K plan

I seriously need to lose some weight. I'm not "obese" but I am overweight and I don't like it. I heard about the c25k plan when I was pregnant. Obviously, that wasn't the time to start. Now that I'm not pregnant, I didn't have an excuse not to do it. So this morning at 7:10 am, I set out on my first workout. There are eight 60 second runs.

1st run- I feel great! I can totally do this!
2nd run- Still feeling great!
3rd run- Starting to get a little winded...
4th run- Has it really on been 4?
5th run- Wow, I'm REALLY tired... how am I going to finish?
6th run- So... much... running...
7th run- I really don't think it's supposed to be this hard! Just 1 more to go though.
8th run- My legs are jello. How are my legs still moving?

I'm sure it doesn't help, either, that I was up at 5:00 am, but I finished. I'm so proud of myself! But I am already dreading Friday morning when I plan to go torture myself again. :oP But I hear it gets easier. I really hope that's true.

Mondays are evil

What is it about Mondays that are just so bad? I can't figure it out. Jordan was practicing his screaming banshee skills all morning, Asher was mad that I wanted the tv for a little bit and even though I wasn't up with the older kids this morning, Brett was grumpy about going to school. I'm tired. I just want to crawl under the covers and go to bed for a couple of hours. I really think that would make everything better. Also, Travis won't be home until about 7:00 or so tonight so that's an extra hour on my own.
On the plus side, my antidepressants are kicking back in which has been a good thing. A drop in my energy level again but I'll take it over how I felt last week.

My house smells like cat poop

I came downstairs this morning and my house smelled like cat poop. Since I'm pregnant, I can't clean out the litter box. I asked my husband to do it before he left so naturally, he forgot. :oP I could not take the smell any longer so I took the litter box outside and let the cat out too. (I'm not a bad owner... he likes to be outside so it's like a treat for him and he always comes back) Then I sprayed my house with Febreeze air freshener. I thought that would take care of it but I keep smelling it! My only thought is that he pooped somewhere else but in the 2 years that we've owned him, he has never pooped anywhere but the litter box. The smell is about to drive me crazy and I have no idea where it's coming from! Ew!

Keeping up with my blog

Well I typed a big long thing out that somehow got deleted! I hate when that happens! I guess I just have to start over. :o(

So updates! It's been over 1.5 years since my last post. I know I'm bad with keeping up with blogs. I love talking so I don't understand it. I'm currently 25 and Travis is 28 and we're coming up on 10 years of marriage! June 3 so only 4 more months!
Brett is in 3rd grade and he has ADHD. He has good days and he has bad days. We have tested him for gifted but he only came back as "gifted" in 1 area and all the rest he fell into the average category. I hate ADHD so much and anyone that hasn't gone though it with their kids has no idea what it's like. But all in all, he is doing well. His grades are mostly B's with 1 or 2 A's mixed in. I think that's wonderful! Should be getting his report card back today, too. He loves video game, video games, and oh yeah, video games. We are currently on a hiatus from them, though.
Krysta is in 1st grade and doing so well! Academically, I don't think she's where Brett was when he was her age but that's ok. She is picking things up and doing fantastic! And as a plus, she listens! I always hear what a pleasure she is to have in class. Her kindergarten teacher said she wished she had 19 other kids just like Krysta! What a compliment! That's just the kind of person she is.
Asher is 3 and we are working on potty training. My older 2 kids were using the potty all the time, even overnight, by this age but Asher is so much more stubborn. He does GREAT when he's not wearing anything on his bottom but that doesn't work out so well when we need to go out in public. I wish I could get it through to him but he hasn't quite grasped it yet. People say that they never go to college in diapers and I say, there's a first time for everything! He is generally a happy kid but is known to pick fights with his siblings for no real reason. He is also into Batman, thanks to Brett.
Shortly after my last post, we found out that we were expecting again and little Jordan Matthew was born on March 4, 2009. He has been the easiest of our babies so far! He is 11 months old, crawling around and into everything! He loves to play in the toilet so we try hard to make sure the door is always closed. He also loves to chase the cat. He's a pretty good eater, too. I need to start planning his 1st birthday party!
Also, on 12/22/09, I got a positive pregnancy test and we are expecting baby #5 on September 6, 2010 so I'm just over 9 weeks right now. I had an ultrasound 2 weeks ago and things are looking great!
Yes, we are busy but I wouldn't have it any other way. :o) I'll try my best to post regularly, though I'm not sure who all will be reading this.

Why...?

I just can't take it any more! I so frustrated with this! Is there something to bash my head into?
Today, for the first day in, oh, about 2 weeks, no one was complaining of feeling sick. I was so happy. And I'm not even exaggerating about the 2 week thing either... it really has been this long (actually longer). Krysta was feeling sick most recently, up until last night even. It was music to my ears when she said she was all better. Brett was feeling great too. I've been fine since last Friday and Travis never really did get all that sick in the first place. Asher had a normal diaper this morning and was eating normally, too. So what could be the problem you ask? Well, Asher now has diarrhea which as with I've seen with this @Q*#$!@#%&!@(#% stomach bug is how it starts out. I'm just about ready to cry. Why can't we get rid of this stupid thing? I told both kids to stay away from him as I don't want them sick again but there's nothing I can do about it. I have to feed him, change his diapers, bathe him and since he's a mommy addict, I spend a good part of the day holding him too. What's going to stop me from getting it for a 3rd time? And once I get it, how am I going to stop everyone else from getting it? Do you see the never ending cycle here? I'm hoping and praying that he just had diarrhea for some unknown reason and he's really not sick (again... this would be his 3rd time getting it as well) but I'm really not holding out much hope.
If I could just find the person who gave this to us I'd go and give them a good beating and I'm not a violent person either. I FREAKING HATE THIS!!!

< /vent>

What a week!

It seems like it's been about 2 weeks since this last Monday and it's only been 4 days!
Monday, nothing in particular bad. Just was a LONG day for some reason. Although we had friends over that night which was great! Monday night Brett threw up and I was concerned that he wouldn't be going to school the next day.
Tuesday was our anniversary. Brett was well enough for school which was great. Unfortunately this was the day I started to get sick. But we went out for our anniversary and had a great time.
Wednesday, I was VERY sick. Travis came home at about 3:45 because I was just too sick to really take care of the kids. I threw up that night.
Thursday, I'm still sick, though not as bad. I got better througout the day. I took a nap and then drank iced tea which led to me not being able to sleep. At 11:00 I came downstairs and cleaned for 2 hours as my house was a disaster from me being so sick. I laid down at 1:00, tried for a whole hour to sleep and couldn't. I was so happy though, that it seemed our family was finally going to be healthy. That is until about 2:15 when Asher started screaming and had threw up all over his crib. I finally got sleep for the first time last night (this morning) at 3 am.
Today! Travis let me sleep until a little after 8:00 which was great. Asher seems to be doing fine this morning, a little feverish but no more vomiting and diarrhea. So I HOPE that we're all finally on the mend. I'm so sick of having to wash everyone's bedding at least 3-4 times/week.

The good news is that poker night is TONIGHT and I'm so looking forward to having a great time and just relaxing! And it sounds like we're going to have a big turnout too which is so great! I can't even begin to explain how thrilled I am that this week is over! Hooray!

My first blogspot blog

Well, I decided to start a blog here. I have a myspace one but only my "friends" can read that one. So here this is, out in the open for the whole world to read!

I hate being sick... hate, hate HATE it. And the worst kind of being sick is sick with a stomach bug, which has happened to me about a billion times this year. If God has a sense of humor, it certainly is a sick one. I couldn't even make Krysta and Asher lunch today because I could hardly move. Travis may be coming home early from work if I'm still feeling like poo.

BTW, it was our 8th anniversary yesterday. Yep, we're getting old. I didn't even get carded when I ordered my raspberry margarita. I hear all the time that I look about 16 so I'm pretty shocked. We went to TX Roadhouse which may just be the best restaurant in the world. And the past 2 times they screwed up Travis's steak so we got a substantial amount taken off our check each time. We need to go back often.

I guess that's it for now. Just wanted to post about SOMETHING for my first blog! I'll be back later!