Suffocating

I seriously feel like I can't breathe. Physically, I'm fine. My anxiety is through the roof and I'm depressed. I feel like everything just sucks right. It's 2:22 am and I can't sleep because of how awful I feel. I just hope that school turns out to be good for me. Give me a chance to get out and just be me instead of being so-and-so's mom or Travis's wife. Maybe I can start to feel human. I guess I'm just rambling right now. Life is just extra shitty right now.

Midnight Sun

So, as if I weren't not busy enough, I decided to take on a project. Going along with my Twilight obsession, I have decided to write the rest of Midnight Sun. Unofficially, of course. I already wrote the first chapter. I don't even know if I'll be able to put it online when it's finished. I don't want to get into any kind of legal trouble. That would be the last thing I would need right now! Anyway, I got frustrated because it stops right before it gets really good.

In other news, our van is in bad shape. They estimate it's going to cost about $2200 to fix it. And who knows if something else needs to be fixed. It's due for inspection next month so maybe we'll get a grand total before we decide what to do. It sucks being down to 1 vehicle that doesn't even fit our whole family.

Other than that, everything is the same. Kids are off for winter break so it's lots of fun. I just hope some shred of my sanity survives this break. We still have 9 days before they're back in school.

Tomorrow is Christmas so at least tomorrow should be a good day. I'm fairly certain everyone will love their gifts!

SCREAM

I seriously just want to scream at the top of my lungs at the universe. Can there not be even 1 good thing in my life?
Monday was likely the most shittastic day in a long time. The lawyer my husband met with said he wouldn't take his case and it was seeming like pretty much all hope was lost. That in itself was lost. Then out of the blue, our van decides that it's time to stop working. Seriously, running perfectly the day before and then BAM, I think I'll turn this here radiator fluid into sludge and then just overheat the shit out of this engine. Wee! Isn't this so fun?! HELL NO! Oh yeah, this was also Travis's 31st birthday. Happy birthday honey. You get treated by shit even more by Karlina, this lawyer won't take your case and your main mode of transportation decides to have a tantrum like our 3 year old. Best birthday ever, right?
Also, 2 weeks ago, all 9 of us were sick with a stomach bug. It was hell. I don't think I've ever seen so much vomit in my life. It was like a horror movie. Finally I think we can get back to being healthy but the universe seems to have other ideas. Oh, you guys are all better now? Here, how about you take this flu/cold and be miserable with that. I'm sure I can throw something else at you guys when you recover from that one. You're welcome.
And then I get to hear that an embroidery machine is more fun than me. Okay, technically, it wasn't said that way but that's the way it went down. Awesome! I just love that my self esteem obviously isn't low enough right now.
So yeah, I just feel like screaming so loud right now. I can't even have this 1 small thing of screaming really loud because it would only wake all my kids up and make everything more miserable than it already is. So instead of screaming, I just have been crying. I don't know when life is actually going to be good again. I realize that this is all very depressing but that's just kind of the way everything is right now.
What I want is for my husband to succeed in business despite Karlina's efforts to make him not. You know, so we can have important things like a roof over our heads and food to eat. I mean, it hasn't gotten to that point yet but I'm still waiting for that bomb to drop. I want us to all be healthy and stay healthy and I want to not have to be scared to send my kids to school later today. I want a hot guy to hit on me so I don't feel like an unattractive blob. I'd also like to win the lottery but I've only bought a ticket once so I don't think my odds of that are very likely. And since I can't have all these things, I just want to scream as loud as I possibly can. Maybe I'll feel better after some sleep but I kind of doubt it. Tomorrow will just bring more misery, more things I can't stand. Yay.

Twilight vs Real Life

Okay, so it's kind of a silly title, I full admit that. I started reading through the Twilight books again because it was a few years, the movies are all finished and it was a little sad for me. Plus, the books are so much more awesome than the movies. Call me a dork or a Twihard, I don't care. The books are simply amazing! The movies are good, I guess but the books just really explain so much more and you can really understand why the characters feel the way they do. The movie just feels so rushed.
So anyway, like I said, reading through the books again. I was toward the end of Eclipse. Reading through the books super fast because they are really good and they make me happy. They also make me sad, too. It's always been that way. I never could put my finger on it.
Last night, being alone again, it hit me... I was Bella. Not quite exactly. I was a lot more outgoing than she is in the books and actually enjoyed being with friends and my then-boyfriend wasn't a vampire. But there I was, in high school and I (re)met this amazing guy. I already knew him but we weren't really friends until that year. He was really cool, so funny and I genuinely just could talk to him for hours. I asked him to the homecoming dance, just as friends, because my boyfriend at the time was grounded. So we were friends. I invited him to my birthday party in March and that's when things really took off. From that night on, he became my best friend. He told me he loved me, too. In May, after spending so much time with him, I realized that I loved him, too. I broke up with my old boyfriend and started dating him.
Everything was perfect. I hate to compare it to a fictional relationship because it was so much more than that but it was a lot like Bella and Edward. He was my life and I was his. We were 2 halves of one whole. Always touching in some way, wanting to be with each other constantly, I'm sure he would have even broken into my bedroom to watch me sleep if he'd been able. I found my soul mate. He proposed to me in October and, unlike Bella, I didn't hesitate to say yes. We were married in June and we were so excited to start a family.
Fast forward to today and things are so different. We've had quite a few disagreements about how uninterested he seems in me. The time we spend together is always doing something like reading or watching tv. We don't really just sit and talk. He pretty much never touches me unless I initiate some kind of touch. I try to but it's really hard to always be the only interested. I don't want to get too personal in this blog, but he might just be the least interested in sex man out there. It's kind of depressing. I get it... life is stressful, we're in the process of raising all these kids, and we're both just flat out tired. But if I can find the energy, then why can't he? I feel worthless, wondering what happened to us. I know he's faithful and if I straight out ask him if he's attracted to me or even likes me, he says that he does. It's just hard to believe when his actions state otherwise.
So it makes me happy because it's a great love story and I can relate to the feelings in the book. But it makes me sad because I'm not Bella any more. Or maybe my husband isn't Edward any more is a better way to put it. I haven't been able to read much since I had this realization last night. He's once again in bed early for the night and normally I would just pick up my book and read but now I don't know if I can. I've been neglecting the cleaning with all the time I've been spending reading so maybe I'll just work on that. All the time fantasizing that my "Edward" will come back. Maybe it's like in New Moon when he leaves and Bella is just devastated that he's gone. Maybe that's where we're at. I know it seems silly to compare my life to what is considered by a lot to be a young adult book about vampires and werewolves, but it is what it is.

What's to come

So since my husband's business partner is totally screwing us over right now because he's an evil, selfish fucktard, and we have nothing to fall back on, we're trying to figure some things out. My husband has applied for some other jobs but we haven't heard anything back from them. I'm hoping to go to college (sooner than expected) next semester and also hoping that our "low income" puts us in the category to qualify for financial aid. I'm hoping we can get loans to cover the rest of the expense. It will take a while for this to pay off. I have 2 years of school before I can get a job doing what I will be going to school. I guess we'll also see what kind of other assistance we can get. I assume that if we're not making anything, we'll qualify for a lot. The main thing is to keep a roof over my kids, keep them warm and fed. I'm just trying to think positively but that's very hard when it seems the future looks very, very bleak. I wish I had the same faith in god or a higher being that my husband has but I certainly don't. I don't even know how one can believe in such a thing after being continually screwed, especially by people who call themselves christians. What a fucking joke.
So hopefully my husband can find something to keep us afloat for the next couple of years while I work very hard at getting my degree. I will be making decent money then and hopefully then we'll be able to crawl out of this pit we've sunk into. Everything pretty much just sucks right now. I am crying a lot but trying to put on my happy face around other people. The truth is that I'm really not okay. I wish I could go back to 2 years ago and tell my husband not to have any contact with Karlina Diffenasshat (my new nickname for the fucktard screwing over our entire family) because he's an evil person who will try to take everything from him. But I can't, so I just cry and worry.

Venting

I'm sure my facebook friends are sick of reading about this so I'll just share here for my own sake of mind. I'm so pissed that I can hardly see straight. I'm so sick of "Christians" being not at all what they're supposedly all about. Love, kindness, all that shit. I'm so sick of this stupid fucktard trying to totally screw our family over. I HATE these people so much. And their kids certainly deserve better than those 2 asshats. Never have I been so angry in my whole life.

Another "You look too young to..." story

I meant to share this story before but I'm just getting around to it today. I know I look younger than I am. I've gotten countless comments from strangers about it. I also know that I was pretty young when we had Brett. But the story revolves around the play that Brett was in. I took him to tryouts in March and had been driving him to and from rehearsals for 2.5 months. On the last day of the play, my mom came to watch it. After it was over, Krysta and I were sitting with my mom and talking to Brett. One of the directors came over and started talking to my mom. The conversation went like this:

Director: "Your husband isn't here?"
My mom (probably confused): "No, he decided to stay home."
Director: "Oh, he was at the one earlier today, though."
My mom (now I'm confused): "No, he wasn't."
Me, finally figuring out what's going on: "No, that was my husband. I'm Brett's mom."
Director: "Oh, you don't look old enough to be his mom."
Me: "Thanks!"

I used to take offense to it but now I just take it as a compliment. I figure when I'm older and still look young, it'll be awesome! Probably my favorite comment was when Brett was in first grade and in boy scouts. One of the boys in his troop, when he found out I was Brett's mom, said, "You don't look like a mom." I laughed and told him thanks. I guess everyone just thinks I'm his older sister or something. But at least adults should know that some people have babies when they're teenagers and some of those teenagers, gasp, act like adults and are responsible and take care of those babies.
So yeah, I'm sure it'll continue happening for a good long time. When I'm eventually a grandma (better not be for at the very least 10 more years!), I'm sure I'll get "You don't look old enough to have grandkids" and whatnot. And that's just fine by me. I'll be the cool, young grandma. :)